Mt. Equity Zen Monastery

I've realizing that I'm apprehensive and fearful about visiting Mt. Equity Zen Monastery this coming weekend. I'm not entirely sure why. I have my suspicions though... I think part of it is feeling the pressure to not "mess-up" during the orioki meals. I messed up big time during my last Sesshin with the folding and tying the cloth around the bowls right at the end of the meal. I also think there is fear surrounding the sittings and the jitteriness I'm experiencing on the new medication I'm on. You see, recently I've had a tendency to "cheat" lately when sitting alone on my own. You know, shifting my position, looking around, not sitting a full period. Stuff like that. I know that when I sit with the group in the zendo, I feel the pressure to be completely still and not move a hair. That scares me this time around for some reason. In the past, I've always had apprehension around going beyond my comfort zone with the group sittings, but I've been able to relax about it once the sitting is underway. I don't know why this time I don't think I have the capacity to do this. I guess this is where faith in my abilities to "just sit" comes in. Just have faith that when the time comes I WILL be able to do the sitting, no matter how long the period is and no matter what comes up.

Here's something from my collected words of wisdom that I want to take with me this weekend. I find it quite comforting.

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Our breath is always with us. It is a (hopefully) reliable constant. This practice will hold its hands out and show how the conceptual mind operates. It is an indispensable practice that requires nothing but the breath. The trick is to JUST FOCUS BREATH. The reason there's no "THE" in just focus breath is because "THE" is extraneous. This practice throws out ALL the extraneous! Even "JUST FOCUS" is too much, it really should only be "BREATH"... Saying it's too hard to do is not JUST FOCUSING BREATH. There is no "easy" or "hard" in this practice. Only the breath. What sorrow and strife does the breath have?

~ Anon.